I don’t get it…

We gathered again for the second time after my uncle’s death.

It was strange to me. The night before, my uncle’s youngest daughter kept asking when her dad was going to come home. She didn’t grasp the death of her dad and what that really means. That he’s not coming home.

I was walking around the house looking at pictures of my uncle and I needed to get some fresh air, so I went outside. Me, personally, in times like this, I like to be alone. It’s just how I am. So I walked outside and I came upon the bed that my uncle spent his last moments on. It was one of those hospital beds.

I kind of just stared at it.

I don’t know. I’m almost twenty years old. And for some strange reason, I can’t grasp the whole idea that my uncle isn’t coming back. I think very logicaly.

My uncle died.
Dead people get barried.
Therfore, he’s not coming back to this house.

Yet I just can’t understand it. Death is a mystery to me.

In all my experience of death, and my age and my logic and understanding, In spite of all those things, I’m still no better off than my little cousin who wonders when her dad’s coming home.

Sad Days…

Well.

My uncle died yesterday morning.

We new he wouldn’t make it past this weekend. Despite the known knowledge of his life coming to an end, it’s still a shock after it’s all said and done. He died of a tumor.

My uncle George got to die in the comfort of his home. I doubt he new where he was, at that point, but it was still a comfort for us as a family to gather around him in his last moments.

I saw him the night before he died. I went to work and I wasn’t there for his last breathe. I tried to get out of work but it got complicated. Later on, I went over to be with the family. We all gathered there and just spent time with uncles and aunts and cousins.

My heart breaks for my aunt Monica(George’s wife) and her three daughters. The youngest one doesn’t understand that Uncle George is coming back. I don’t think she can.

It was difficult to be in the room where he died when I was there last night. Just the idea of his death in that same room was overwhelming.

I’m not sure how to end this thought, so I’ll end it at that.

Moving Out

My friends and I are trying to move out. Money is a big problem for me however. What with being in debt to my mom and all. It’s like she owns a part of my soul. I haven’t told my mom that I’m planning on moving out. I’ll probably tell her three days in to my new apartment. I figured that would be the best time to do so.

If I do get suspended from school for a semester, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. I could get a second job and be able to afford my share of the apartment and still pay my mom what I owe her. Then I could come back to school the following semester and be a lot smarter about my schedule and classess.

I feel very determined to move out. I need to get away and have a bit more freedom. I love my mom but all we do is argue these days. A lot of it’s my fault, but I just feel like such a child living at my home. I have to be home by 11:00pm and when I’m not she stays up for me and then I get the whole guilt trip of how she’s not feeling good and all that jazz. Last night I was working on a film set at Oxnard and films is something I might persue, and I got home at about 1:00am in the morning.

And I’ll get chewed out about it later.
I just feel so limitied in what I want to do and persue, and my mom constantly gives me crap of what I want to do. It would be very nice if I could reallly think about what I want to do and really pray about it without my mom breathing down my neck. I know it’s because she cares, but that doesn’t justify her actions.

I don’t know. I guess we’ll see what happens.

P.S. I felt very repetitive when I talked about “what I want to do.” I must’ve used that phrase like 3 or 4 times in that one paragraph. Sorry, but it just bothered me and I thought I should let you know.

Math

I had a math test due last week. That same math test is right next to me. I don’t think I’ll pass math this semester and if that’s the case, then I won’t be able to attend college of the canyons next semester. My moms been threatening to take away my car and kick me out of the house if I fail any of my classess.

Sorry.

I’m trying to be more pessimistic about the whole situation but I can’t. I’m listening to the album “Better Days” by Robbie Sea Band and I can never stay upset when I listen to this album.

Next time when I’m going for pessimistic, I’ll try and listen to something depressing. But at this point, I can do nothing but smile.

apologies

Films

Well, today I’m off to go work on a movie set. It’s been a lot of fun. I’ve been the camera assisstant and it’s definately been interesting. I actually put in the film for the camera for the first shooting and was somewhat paronoied that I put the film in backwards. I was very distracted for the first two days and thought how they would kill me if that were the case

But I ended up doing it right and all is good.

On a different note, I was driving down soledad a week ago and a bird pooped on me.
And no, I don’t have a sun roof. My window was down and it was a one-in-a-million shot.

Bravo to the bird is all I have to say.

Could Anyone Tell me the Way to Hell

Could anyone tell me the way to hell?
I’ve lost something of value,
and I’ve checked everywhere but there.

What I lost had no value to anyone else at all.
I believe what I lost was once my soul.
If you can’t show me the way,
then that’s okay.
I’m sure if I follow this road,
it’ll go down that way.

And if you happen to find my soul,
could you tell him to wait?
Just for a little while,
I promise not to be late.

But if he neglects my proposal,
tell him it’s okay.
I’m sure I’ll catch up
with him one day.

But deliver this message nonetheless.
Tell him I’m sorry for everything I’ve done,
And that everyone we’ve loved is now at rest.
Tell him that everything I knew has gone

And if I go down this road and never come back
Forget everything I told you. Just remember my name.
So I can not be totally forgotten
But if you forget that too, then thanks just the same.

The Story Beyond the Book

He stares at the book as if he can see through the pages,
this boy is no fool, he knows how to read,
but it’s as if he’s discovered that he’s intertwined,
with a story of his own that is not found in these lines.

His life became a narrative,
a beginning, middle, end,
a life of peace and war,
and guns attached to men.

But this part of the story is ahead of his time
he’s no solder yet,
he’s just a boy with a book,
it’s not their lives yet to bet.

This story ends with parents both his and grand,
crying together while looking at the ground,
before it was their life they took,
he was a boy with a book

If You Could…

If you could see right through me
then what would you see?
Would you see that the things you fret,
are the things that comfort me?
That being not good enough and lacking faith,
are the things in life I wish to embrace.

For I have hit rock bottom
and I feel a part of me has died.
But you proud man;
Oh how you lift your head up so high.
Would you like to come sit with me,
and we can share all our lies?
Won’t you come sit with me?
Let us exchange our alibis.

I’ll cloth myself with laughter
and I’ll even tell you my name.
Hell! I’ll tell you what you want to hear,
so we can be the same,

and in the end, you’ll say good day to me
and I to you,
and things will go back
the way they tell it to be

If only you could see right through me
…but you can’t
…..
Lock up the sick and the crazy,
for they have stumbled upon reality.
Don’t let them wake the others,
from our put-on society

Today is the anniversary of my death

Today is the anniversary of my death
We shall celebrate with wine, and all my wealth
Hitting glass before our cheers
calling each other by “my dears”
but the party is not complete,
without the One that started it all.
But He had to leave, based on our call.
We thought it would be for Heaven’s best
If we were simply one God Less.
So He had to leave and now we have it all.
So cheers to the revolution, and cheers to this ball.
Heaven is Hell and Hell is Heaven
because of the God that we had forgotten
…..
Alone we have become
with no praise to be hummed,
no song to be sung ,
no good against evil to be won
…..
What’s a wedding without the groom,
a child without a Father,
a soul without the caress of it’s creator

Cra-zeee

okay

So I’m in a meeting at the infamous It’s a Grind (coffee shop) when billions and billions of Jr. High kids are running around the parking lot and some are pushing over trash cans. They’re running in to Carls Jr. and out. Others run across the main street and one of the kids are twirling like a ballerina like a nut job across the street.

I had to leave the meeting to turn in an essay for a class and get to my math class. As I was leaving, I saw this one guy calling the cops and the Jr. Highers getting in his face so I pulled my car over to go help him. I’m not going to lie, I was a little intimidated. If you’ve ever seen A Bug’s Life where at the end, the ants realize that there greater in number against the grasshoppers…

yah,

it was kind of like that. But I knew I would have to stay and help just to back up the guy’s story if needed too. So I stuck around with the guy that called the cops. It turns out the three business’ in the parking lot called the cops and they didn’t come till 20 minutes after. It was kind of ridiculous. The kids kept walking in front of cars without any warning. I’m surprised they didn’t get hit by any cars. So when the cops finally came, most of them started running away.

The cops arrested a few of them and that was that.

I shook the guys hand that that called the cops. His name was Chuck. He was a cool guy. He thanked me for sticking around and helping out.

And that was that.

cra-zeee